When I started to post on his page ideal sire messages under the tag #твой_внутренний_папа, I met a lot of misunderstanding.
"Why is that?" "What, mom can not give it all?" "As I have with my dad, everything is fine." "This should give the husband rather than Pope"
And have had a lot of attention from psychologists, even launching similar projects.
The theme of the father is very painful, there are many unclear. That gives the father a child? And how to evaluate the consequences of what he did in the upbringing did not participate? And that it is in my adult life I took from my father?
Many are accustomed to think of nothing: "Us from your dad nothing." Many are afraid to admit that the father gave, because in response required to renounce himself and his election, desires: "I do not need anything from you, let me live their own lives".
Behind all this uncertainty and the denial is worth a lot of pain. To perfect the messages hit the point and started to advance through two horrible opening:
1) Dad, I missed you when I was a helpless child and most needed/need you.
In my Office shed so many tears from this awareness, from taking its needs, which were afraid to watch for so many years, which spawned within the deficit!
And when childhood oplakano, comes a new discovery:
2) Dad gave me no what you need, and never will.
He will not become a more loving, approve and be interested in. Because he gave all he could. If a person has one Apple, it could not give two, even if you really really have to, even if you tried, even if prikineš′sâ the other person.
People often unknowingly persist in trying to dopolučit′ fatherly warmth and care. And how they do it in the consultations may sound like a request, under which people want to stop:
-to beg from others that could give only a dad, then disappointed and mad at them
-Let her life derailed that dad finally saw them Bo-Bo and came to regret, but felt guilty. (Revenge for the insult)
-climb out of his, deserve the attention of Papineau, approval and respect. Bring themselves to be such a man, who like the Pope. Even if it means stop being a girl (Daddy boy wanted) or vice versa. Even if it means becoming a workaholic, choose another profession, don't marry, don't marry.
Behind this children's hope that the Pope will come under certain conditions in our children's souls and fill the deficit and emptiness.
After the collapse of the expectations people realizes that he'll have to or become a dad himself, or live with that emptiness and deficit. Little choice, right?
Others we can only adopt the model. A teacher who taught you to believe not will do it for you until the end of his life. A loving husband, a wise head coach, friend-a chance to learn. But after a divorce/separation/separation we must not again be left without "Pope".
We must sit down at the oars and the boat where we want, based on all the good things that gave us parents and have ourselves.
P.s: say goodbye to illusions easier with someone who can help you survive sadness and pain, not otmahnetsâ and will not continue to self-deception.
P. p. S: I understand that outside the context of psychotherapy this article can nothing and no help, but can't write about this experience, contact with it still hurt every time my own existential experiences. Here's "in the Sun and look at them," said Irvin Yalom.
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