Mum's "Forgive Me!"

Why is it so important to apologize to a child?

I work with adults and see every day how their lives affected by childhood.  In this article, I did not intend to give advice on dealing with children.  But if you're curious to know how your childhood "aukaetsâ" now, what tone your parental behaviour sets the future of your child if you are the one who is angry at the parents, with the pain of remembering childhood-welcome.

How often we manifest the consequences of child injuries! They distort our behavior and perception of the world, they make us cry, manipulate, die from fear, allow to deal with a bad. These are moments when we are transformed into the wounded children with the intelligence of adults.

And all would be nothing, but it often occurs with people at the time of communication with their child.

For example, parents outraged: "All we are doing for him, and he did not need it bummer!" at which point they turn into children who wear the clothes of his elder brother, go to school with avos′koj instead of a beautiful portfolio and swear himself to do anything to further do not live. And their son at this time becomes a neighborhood boy whose dad to school brings in new sneakers and treats Coca-Cola. How not to get mad at this oboltusa, that all goes in vain? Of course, parents-but this time it seems that they are so mad solely because worried for his future, but if the anxiety and I want him on the NOGGIN tûknut′ to squirm, then you do not have to exclude that it has children's envy. And it's business as usual.

Or are you grew up in an alcoholic family, and used to feel inefficient and unnecessary parents and your daughter, that gave you the feeling that you wanted your drink-fed-nights not sleeping, tells you: "mom, I'm sick of you report, how was my day, I am already an adult."  At this point that you feel? Correctly, your children's sense of uselessness, incompetence. And here you have already turned into a little girl, which with self-pity says: "Yes, of course, independent you now, I do not need nafig spit on me, you all spit on me!" you juggle, causing feelings of guilt, you are so accustomed to since childhood.

Or else: raskričalsâ your baby in a public place, and you like in school, felt under the gun a disgruntled eye and try to once again become a good girl and not to attract attention. It seems to you that you dvoečnica and generally unworthy of their parents, because the surrounding right now you put "Deuce" by subject "motherhood". And you fuss force mouth baby pacifier, you mad at him, trying to plug, maybe even šlepnete.

At this point your child decides that he is bad. After all, mom and dad is the smartest, loving his creatures, the most just and right, and they could not treat him unfairly. Times they yell at him, then he deserves such an attitude, then it's bad: lazy teenager, ungrateful and cruel girl, annoying and defamatory mother baby. They and the truth about myself think. I see every day adults, whole life claiming to be such based on similar episodes from my childhood.

When the therapy experienced a diminished in such children's situations, anger, hurt, guilt, the first thing these people need is to hear that they are actually good mom so behaved in error, for whatever their reasons, and not because her child is in itself bad.

So, apologize in front of their children. It is not demeaning, it's a way to heal wounds immediately after their application. I understand that it is almost impossible to be always white and fluffy with your child. I understand that almost everyone had their own traumatic, bitter childhood. But apologizing before a child you give him to understand: "I nakričala to you, but this is a mistake, because you are good, you are the most beautiful gift of my fate, I nakričala to you is not for you, but for yourself." It depends on self-esteem and the feeling that he is good. This means he is entitled to mistakes and success, respect and happiness. This means, for example, that your daughter may be close to a good man, not that an alcoholic is the only thing she is stupid. The feeling of "I'm bad" or "I am good" have a fundamentally different consequences in life.

Just don't make apologies in self-flagellation! Yes, your child will understand that you are not always right. But it's true! But he will know that you value them, and always looking for a way to be intimate and honest, which means you can be trusted.

Often parents of adult children too proud or want in old age to believe that everything in life is done correctly. More often, the parents are deaf, because their child has matured in recent times constantly annoyed, angry at them, accuses, teaches. No wonder, because this face his childhood feelings. And an elderly parent turns into defending the child who constantly unhappy: he does not want to acknowledge past mistakes and change in this relationship, because his children's fear tells him: "not due and the otšlepaût!". Often in the closed circle of people and turn to a psychologist.

Apologize in front of their adult child who recall you their kid. Even if you think it is thought that this has never happened. It was in his soul, and on the basis of this belief he builds his adulthood. Remember that at this point, your adult child only needs to confirm that he is good and you made a mistake when unfairly, in his opinion, have been treated with it. It does not prove to you that you are bad, he wants to prove that he is good.

He may get angry at you at the same time, but the anger leave him, believe me, it just need to splash out. Then comes the period in his life when he wants to know, why are you so came with him, but then he already would force you to understand and forgive. Then he begins to build a life not on the grounds that he is poor, not as unhappy, crummy victim, but on the basis that he is a good, strong person who can become happy. Maybe he even will be grateful, at least for this later "forgive me".