What is a grievance?

What is a grievance? Defending himself and manipulation

As a child I didn't understand the saying, "The offended water carry". It seemed to me that the offended need to spare, and not to exploit. Many adults and now hold the same opinion, and therefore remain vodovozami. Resentment corrodes from within does not give calmly raises insomnia, but we did not stop to take offense. Why? Let's see.

To begin, let the 2 important points:

1) Offense occurs in situations of violations of the boundaries of personality (violated your needs, interests, rights)

2) Offense occurs when your boundaries violated important for you people.

So, how does offense?

Babies if their boundaries usually resentful: bite, scream, fight. So do animals. It is quite an effective way to defend their rights and interests.

However, such manifestations of anger in our society are not welcome, and many parents don't like. Children value the love of parents and so afraid to lose that barely mastered it, lose their natural ways animals defend themselves.

Unfortunately, other constructive ways to show aggression to protect their "territory" children are not, after all, and parents often do not own them.

So, the boundaries of the child are violated, it is natural anger to help him recover his rights, but he suppresses his, because he understands that "mad at mom. In this situation it cannot defend itself, feels helpless.

Here is a combination of suppressed anger and helplessness and called them.

Resentment and anger is not what "supposed" to feel decent person in our society, when its interests are violated.

Further developments may evolve for several scenarios.

1. Child blackmails surrounding its offense.
The offender saw the manifestations of hurt the child, felt guilty, already pleaded guilty, and then another three times already so that the child not only compensated the damage, but stayed in the black.

For example, nakričala mom, then apologized, but did not stop at this, and, feeling guilty, still allowed a bit longer to play the computer, bought the chocolate and not noticed "a Deuce.

If the child understands that "be wronged» profitable, he internalizes it as a way to advance their interests, and later as a way of infringing on someone else's. Hence all these're touchy wife obižaûŝiesâ husbands, guilt and emotional blackmail.

2. The child concludes that nothing in life is not depends if its borders brazenly and systematically violated.  He takes his life in the companions of the helplessness and goes with her complaining husband, mother in law, Government, weather, God and destiny. Unconsciously he feels is beneficial when you feel sorry, forgive nothing. Psychologists call this learned helplessness.

3. A child learns to defend their borders in a socially acceptable manner, that is, learning to constructively express aggression, which naturally occurs when interests violate.

Adult differs from a helpless child, he can fend for themselves for two reasons. Firstly, he is not afraid to "disappoint", mamočku is not afraid of losing the love of the abuser, he mature and independent. Secondly, he knows how to stop the unwanted action towards yourself calmly and intelligently.

Rather than be offended and cry at night in a pillow or a shout and get personal, he may quietly but firmly tell the abuser: "don't be so talk to me!". Such a person does not respond to emotional blackmail, not manipulates himself, he just builds a honest relationship and knows its responsibilities.

In the end I will give an example from the life:

Marina for many years was upset on the mother-in-law, that in the heat of a quarrel about fashion Babylon her nastiness and periodically continued to arrange scandals. Why Marina is not prevented such behaviour not mother-in-law defended himself? What are the benefits?

It turned out that the offense for many years helped her to distance themselves from the very elderly mother-in-law, justified reluctance to care for her. Marina's mother died several years earlier, but Marina did not have the opportunity to be around. Deep down the Marina take care of betrayal seem mother while her husband with her mom she was not sitting.  Marina didn't understand why she didn't want to care for her mother-in-law, but unknowingly condemned himself for this reluctance, so used the insult as an excuse before itself.

Husband of Marina felt guilty for what his mother so unkind wife, so was especially comfortable rooms with Marina and around was at her side. Marina has withdrawn from the zone of influence of mother and drew on its side, having received pokladistogo and eternally guilty man.

Realizing the benefits of his resentment and after much inner work to forgive oneself and farewell with his own mother, Marina was able to emerge from the conflict with the law without the painful feelings of deep resentment.

Once again:

Offend? Defend yourself, you are not a child!

Offended? And what do you get? It's worth it?